Hiding...

I'm not sure why I find it easier to hate myself and keep thinking I'm such an awful person when I have done something wrong. It feels like somehow if you hang on to those negative feeling about yourself that is your punishment for what had happened - Never allow yourself to move on, learn from it and forgive yourself because then the other person will know how I am holding myself accountable. But I can still do that in a positive way... that is why I posted my original blog - not for sympathy but because I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide from the world, then no one would know or perceive me as a "bad"person. But a fall from grace does not condemn me or make me unworthy. Apologizing and finding the self love to show up for life will allow others to come out of hiding if they find themselves feeling this way. Hating myself doesn't serve anyone and I'm not pretending nothing happened, I'm only trying to pass through this place in my life as gently as possible and as much as I fully understand another's pain that I caused, there are not enough apologies to fix what I broke. So I did what I felt was needed and now I wait for healing.

Spontaneous...

As a person who is an awesome planner, and likes to prepare for things, I find it can be a disruption sometimes when spontaneity knocks on my door. But instead of thinking what a bad person I am because I struggled with a spontaneous moment, I can look at it as something I need to work on more and even incorporate more into my life. I will have to ponder that and figure out how to not "plan" my next spontaneous present moment!!

Bad vs Good

Why does it seem the good habits are harder to create and stick with then the bad? You think your brain would say - oooohhh this is nice, this feels good, keep doing it. But in pondering this question I realize it is my misplaced self esteem and wrong thinking that out weights feeling good. To feel good you have to give yourself permission, to allow it to continue and thrive. It is an automatic reflex to deny myself, to give up, give in, to put off until, to sacrifice, to never believe good things can happen for me. Those voices scream loud! But I can stop them, I can scream over them. I can yell, its not true, I don't believe you, I am worth all the good the universe has to offer. Only if I am present and aware. Drifting off into "if only", "it will never happen", "oh I wish, I wish" leaves you full of lack and regrets, and drowning in self pity. When the shadows of self doubt cast over you reach for the light. Reach until you feel the grace and goodness that is granted all of us. Today I scream - I AM WORTHY, I AM LOVED, I AM ME.......... let the good begin!