A smile...

It has been two years since I've written on my blog and it always feels good to be back, no matter how long I've been gone. Within those two years LOTS has pass through my life and heart. Today there is a smile on my face. A smile that knows "all is well. A smile that radiates a knowing that I will not forsake or abandon myself for any reason. A smile that holds love for the people in my life that mean so much. A smile for my creativity that flows and a smile... just because I'm me!

The Roller Coaster Ride...

Roller coasters are on my "least favorite things" list, but that is what my life is right now and I am trying to figure out how to "enjoy the ride" with the least resistance. I felt better yesterday, but today I let one little potential setback throw me on the downward spiral and I don't want to go there. If this is my life right now then I have to go with all the ups and downs with grace, patience and love for myself that I can muster. Its hard trusting the outcome, even when you have a plan, things shift, change and that doesn't always mean for the worse. I can expect more then I could have ever imagined for myself and my children and I may have to take a different route and head a different direction. And for those who know me well, know driving and going places unknown is on the top of my "least favorite list!" So this roller coaster ride is quit the challenge for me.

What i need from You...

Today was a dark day of not being able to see the forest for the trees. Of hope lost and answers to questions that rang hollow in my soul. I need you to hold the space for me. To hold hope, encouragement, kindness and love to see me through when I am lost. I know this too shall pass, but when your sitting in the dark looking for light, and you see non - it gets scary. Your what I hold onto when I forge ahead blindly, that kind word, that small gesture, these are the moments of brightness I use until my strength returns but until then... this is what I need from you.

Thank You

Friday Photo...

Leaves... "in" my car. Anyone that knows me, knows my love for leaves. I even have to have them in my car.

Photo Friday...

A handmade chime I made for myself... I love it!

This is a cooperative blog I participate in with a friend. If you would like to see her Friday photo - here is her blog

http://gentlegull.blogspot.com/2016/01/photo-friday.html?m=1

Dear "Former" Mother-in-Law...

Dear Former Mother-in-Law,
It is with bittersweetness that I write you this letter. You were in my life for more than twenty years. I knew you before I knew your son. Things were never perfect but what family situation is, but I always felt you were my cheerleader in my life. You were what my mother was unable to be for me, and I thank you for that. You enjoyed the grandchildren and family time, you rose to the occasion even when you didn't always feel good. We have been through a lot together and it is the good that I hold dear.
Things did not work out as I had hoped and I know it was not the outcome you had anticipated either, but always know ( and I know you do, deep in your soul,) even though we do not speak to one another anymore, that you are loved and hold a special place in my heart and the heart of your grandchildren.

Loving Always,
Nancy

From where do you draw your energy...

 

 I draw my energy from many things, people and places...

 Being in my home surrounded by all the things I love

Having all my children together

Laughing and sharing with friends

A long walk along the beach

Walking in my backyard

Watching the sunset

Sitting under a tree

Finding quiet time 

Silliness...

 

 "Live a life of love, honesty, appreciation, kindness, and strength. Sprinkled with a little silliness."

I liked this quote because I always need reminding to add a little sprinkle of silliness to my life!

Blanket...

This is the yarn I picked for my granddaughter's first blanket. It matched some of the colors they are using in "Sweet Alice's" room. I say "first" because I'm also going to either quilt or applique a blanket for her too. Couldn't decide on one blanket, so why not both! But I'm most excited about beginning the process because it makes it really real. She is going to be here soon and working on the blanket(s) I will be thinking about her and crocheting and quilting with her grandmother's love in every stitch.

Movie...

 

Tonight I rested and did what my body needed. I eat dinner, put my pajamas on, got ready for bed and watched a movie. I watched "If I Stay" and I really like the way it was done. It could have been a really really sad movie but the focus was on the love and the people that made up their life, not the death. It wasn't overly dramatic or sappy, just a really well-done movie... I enjoyed the rest and entertainment!

Jealous...

 

I found myself having a hard time feeling like I needed to let go of jealousy with a particular person in my life. Then I realized I didn't need to get rid of it, but dig deeper into what that feeling was trying to tell me. And it was FEAR... fear that I would never have what they seem to have right now. That I will always be left without - that special someone that would love me. A relationship to share my vulnerability, my laughter, my tears, my children, my hopes and dreams. Someone to chat with about life and love, that person to feel accepted and genuinely cared about. The jealousy has not left me yet, so I will give it a safe place to be for now without judgement or labels and love myself until...

Happy New Year...

My all your present moments this new year ~ be filled with "love"

December...

 "We are all doing the very best we can, but doing isn't really what matters. It's the allowing of each day to move through us without getting caught up in the struggle."

As each day in December passes I find myself thinking about the new year and the intentions I hold to make each present moment a more conscious one, "When you are open to life, you create an energy force that says YES." I want to allow more and try to not get caught up in the struggle as much. I want to create more, and enjoy the process. I want to love and listen deeper to myself and all those in my life. I want to allow more energy to flow freely and hear the word " Yes" more often in my soul.

.

Okay...

"Be okay with not knowing for sure what might come next but know that whatever it is... YOU will be OK."

This is my mantra everyday. I try in each present moment to be okay with not knowing and then knowing I will be okay. It's a skill I continue to practice and find I am making progress. So I will offer myself  "love" and continue on.



Scarves...

Winter is upon us and with short hair I find myself appreciating the many scarves my friends have hand crafted for me over the years. I pulled them out of my closet the other day and hung them by the door. There is nothing worse then leaving for the day and realizing you forgot your scarf!! You don't notice what a difference it makes in your warmth, then when you don't have one wrapped around your neck. I've even worn them around my house. And each and everyone makes me smile when I think about the care and love that was put into making them. 

My Soul Craves...

http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/Full-Episode-Madonna-Badger-Video

I hadn't watched Oprah's Super Soul Sunday in a long time. The channel had been taking off my cable choices but yesterday I decided to sit down and try to watch it on my phone. It was a heavy subject for me having experienced so many deaths in my former families lives, but I got a message that I was suppose to hear...

"Let somebody love you"

I realized after hearing that, how much I don't allow that to happen, and instead, offer in return, a resistance to its existence. THIS is what "my soul craves." Madonna Badger said in this episode of Super Soul Sunday that when she called someone up to share her grief one day, the other person on the phone told her to, "find someone to love you" and by "letting someone love you" she found healing.

I want to let this sink deeply within my soul and give it room to grow. And the next time someone offers kind words, gives me a gift, or when I reach out to share my grief, I will try to remember to feed my soul what it craves, by...

"Letting somebody love me!"


This is a cooperative blog a friend and I are writing, exploring different topics. This is her blog..
http://gentlegull.blogspot.com/2014/10/my-soul-craves.html

Good...

http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/

I like this "Good News Network" on facebook and I get emails and I know I've posted this site a few times before but in light of my heaviness this week I thought I would once again share what makes me smile. I love reading about the good news all around our world and it keeps me focused and centered in  "the good" in life.

Hiding...

I'm not sure why I find it easier to hate myself and keep thinking I'm such an awful person when I have done something wrong. It feels like somehow if you hang on to those negative feeling about yourself that is your punishment for what had happened - Never allow yourself to move on, learn from it and forgive yourself because then the other person will know how I am holding myself accountable. But I can still do that in a positive way... that is why I posted my original blog - not for sympathy but because I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide from the world, then no one would know or perceive me as a "bad"person. But a fall from grace does not condemn me or make me unworthy. Apologizing and finding the self love to show up for life will allow others to come out of hiding if they find themselves feeling this way. Hating myself doesn't serve anyone and I'm not pretending nothing happened, I'm only trying to pass through this place in my life as gently as possible and as much as I fully understand another's pain that I caused, there are not enough apologies to fix what I broke. So I did what I felt was needed and now I wait for healing.

Snuggle...

Yesterday I had a rare occasion to hang out with some of my dear friends that I don't get to see very often and I got a bonus surprise. There was a baby ( about a year old) visiting that I didn't know was going to be there. It was so nice to get to snuggle with all that innocence and pure love that children possess. It felt so good! I hadn't held a "wee one" in quit some time and it just makes me all the more excited to hold my grandchild in the coming months.

Need...

"People don't always need advice. Sometimes all they need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand them."

Sometimes I shy away from talking with people about "whatever" I'm feeling because I find that there is advice to be heard or a judgement being made, when all I "need" ( most of the time) is a hand to hold, an ear to listen and a heart to understand. It's also a good reminder for me too. All most people want is "love."