A smile...

It has been two years since I've written on my blog and it always feels good to be back, no matter how long I've been gone. Within those two years LOTS has pass through my life and heart. Today there is a smile on my face. A smile that knows "all is well. A smile that radiates a knowing that I will not forsake or abandon myself for any reason. A smile that holds love for the people in my life that mean so much. A smile for my creativity that flows and a smile... just because I'm me!

Dear "Former" Mother-in-Law...

Dear Former Mother-in-Law,
It is with bittersweetness that I write you this letter. You were in my life for more than twenty years. I knew you before I knew your son. Things were never perfect but what family situation is, but I always felt you were my cheerleader in my life. You were what my mother was unable to be for me, and I thank you for that. You enjoyed the grandchildren and family time, you rose to the occasion even when you didn't always feel good. We have been through a lot together and it is the good that I hold dear.
Things did not work out as I had hoped and I know it was not the outcome you had anticipated either, but always know ( and I know you do, deep in your soul,) even though we do not speak to one another anymore, that you are loved and hold a special place in my heart and the heart of your grandchildren.

Loving Always,
Nancy

A Memory...

  "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Maya Angelou

    When I was reviewing my memories and there are a lot that is missing and a lot that has made an impact, but the one that kept resurfacing was a neighbor I had named Mr. Roach. I lived in Cleveland Ohio at the time and I was somewhere between the ages of 8 and 10. He lived a couple house down from ours and it was such a wonderful place to be. My mother didn't bother me about going over there and it was never what he did or said but I remember how he made me feel. Those years we lived in that house were rough for me. I don't think rougher than later years but it felt like it because of how young I was. I remember wanting/trying to take my life at one time. I don't need to relive those memories, but Mr. Roach was a light in my darkness. He was just a kind older man, guessing probably around 70 or 80 years old. When your young the old look at lot older than when you view them through the eyes of aging.
     He always had a stash of mallow cups that he shared and would listen to and tell me stories of his life. He had a sense of humor too. Once he told me the story of how he took his glass eye out when someone told him to keep his eye on the ball ( he was playing pool in his youth) and then he described their reaction. Most of all I remember his loving-kindness, not for anything particular he said or did, but His presence in my life I have never forgotten. In my later years when things were not really any better at home, I always wished I had a Mr. Roach to just hang out with, but I never had that kind of experience again in my childhood. So it is a treasure that I hold in my heart and it drives me to provide that same feeling to children whether my own or not... I hope they always remember how I made them feel!

Free...

 http://www.lisasonora.com/30-day-journal-project/

Keeping a journal has always been a big part of my life, it gave me a voice when I felt I had none. I've kept a journal since I was a teen and over the years it has taken different forms. My most recent is my art journal that I've posted about before. I've enjoyed seeing textures, color and whatever my little heart feels like creating. I consider it a journal even though I don't always write in it but my thoughts are the same just expressed in a different way.
Posted above is a 30 day journal project for FREE if  you want to give it a try... Hope you enjoy the process as much as I have. Try doing it with a friend... it's a whole lot of fun!!!

Emerge...

The other day I was comparing myself to all people who knew what they wanted from when they were young. All their creative ideas had been nurtured and tended to for so long, and I found myself asking why - why couldn't I have known and flourished when I was in my youth. But then it came to me later that day... I did what my heart wanted when I was young - and that was to be a mother. That was my creative path. Was it done perfectly or did it turn out as I had hoped - NO. But no dreams are obtained without some failure and trial and error. There are creative ideas that started out one way and completely ended up nothing like you thought it would be. I am now in a new place where my mothering is not in the for front of my life and new creative energy is trying to emerge.

Alone...

Somedays, some weeks I just wish I had my "mommy" or " daddy" - that soft, safe place to fall when life has chewed you up and spite you out.  I have never had that and as much as I take care of myself and "be kind" it doesn't replace what the heart ache for - what every child should have available. I know I'm not alone in that feeling and it's not a unique feeling, but right at this present moment it feels like I am ALONE.

Glaring...

Today I am humbled by my humanness. A situation in my life today gave me a glaring view of my humanness and it was very bright. And sometimes an apology is the only thing one has to offer the other. I tend to beat myself up over and over again for not being perfect and having caused someone, even if unintentionally harm. I will work on being kind to myself today and once again, pick up forgiveness for myself, and reach for my acceptance, that mistakes are part of the human experience. It hurts my heart today and I know I can not go back and change anything, so today is a somber day of reflection and another chance to accept "all" parts of me, not just the pretty ones.

You Are...

http://you-are-beautiful.com/pages/faq-free-stickers

A couple of years ago I sent for the free stickers that say "you are beautiful" and gave them out to people that I knew. And recently the company came out with a bumper sticker, and I knew I had to have it! My hope is when seeing the sticker it will lighten someone's heart and be a reminder of how beautiful they really are. 

Need...

"People don't always need advice. Sometimes all they need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand them."

Sometimes I shy away from talking with people about "whatever" I'm feeling because I find that there is advice to be heard or a judgement being made, when all I "need" ( most of the time) is a hand to hold, an ear to listen and a heart to understand. It's also a good reminder for me too. All most people want is "love."

Re-Connect...

Sometimes for me, it takes more then a few hours, a brief encounter to re-connect with those I hold dear. Recently I got a chance to hang out with friends for longer then a couple of hours and it felt SO good. It felt like they were back in that place in my heart that holds a space for them when we're not around each other. It filled that spot that was longing for the familiar acceptance, laughter and love that I find when I'm with them.

Share...

"What I love most about my home is who I share it with."

Tad Carpenter

I love so many things about my home, but I would have to say the very best thing is "who I share it with" and all those that have passed through, for however long they were here! My home is where my heart is ~ always!

Need...

Sometimes I need to find what makes me happy. Something to make me smile, and one of those little things is simply looking at the garden category on Pinterest. I could sit all day and just keep scrolling through, wanting to do, but only looking at all the ideas. It makes me smile and my heart happy!

You've Got Mail...

As a child, my sister and mom found it funny because I loved checking the mail and I always got so excited when I found something for me. That hasn't changed, I still love going to the mailbox to see what's there. And when I was a child writing letters and sending cards was more of a common thing then it is now. So yesterday when I checked my mail I found this card addressed to me from a friend I've missed and haven't been able to see in quit awhile. It was special because it wasn't my birthday or a holiday, it was just a card to say "thinking about you", and wanting to know how my life is and catching me up on what's new in her life. It made my heart smile and brought back a sweet memory. Thank you dear friend... it was greatly appreciated!!! 

Heart...

Today I was feeling lost, alone, forgotten, and unclear about anything in my life, so I just emerged myself in my home. I washed, cooked many things, cleaned, and didn't get to my planting but hopefully tomorrow and I'm not sure anything got resolved within but it felt good to do what I love! My home is where my heart is and always will be...

P.S.

p.s. there's hope

This is what I need right now. I feel like I'm having a crisis of the heart and feeling very lost. I remember years and years ago when people were dying in my life one after the other and I felt this same feeling... LOST. Almost numb to the world around me, unsure where I belong in my space or what any of it means. But... there's hope!

Only Choice...

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice."

Bob Marley

Right now being strong IS my only choice. Yes I could give up but that's not an option. It is not a choice I want. I want to make it through this unknown because I know deep in my heart there is love and beauty that dwells within this process. I see it and then I lose sight of it. I can do this... I am strong enough!

Refuse...

Today is the only present moment I have available and I refuse to let any negativity into that space. I can't guarantee how I will choose to feel tomorrow but I can have control over the moment I'm in. I can either see my cup half full or half empty, it's my choice. The situation is still the same as it was when I was feeling discouraged and full of doubt, so why not just for today "refuse" to see anything but the positive and allow it to flow freely into my mind and heart.

Pain...

It's hard to sit back and allow someone to work out their pain the way that works for them. And when it's your child, all my motherly instincts wants to "do" something, anything to stop the process of anger, hurt and then find the strength to wait quietly for the sun to shine on acceptance. There are no band-aids that  heal the heart, and all I have to offer is my love, courage and strength, enough to muster up for all of us.

Apology...

"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got."

As I continued to chip away at my self forgiveness, this quote reminded me of some people that have walked in and out of my life over the years. It seems to connect to forgiveness, for life is easier when you accept what is and move on regardless of what you think another person should have done or said. With self forgiveness, I am able to do just that... Pick up and move on with love in my heart ~

A Gift of time...

A dear friend and I had lunch today, and we chatted the afternoon away. When I left my heart felt so full. She didn't want to give me anything, do anything for me, want something from me, she just was there in those present moments offering her friendship and her "gift of time". Time can seem so scares but when someone offers such a gift it's hard not to feel cherished, valued and loved! Thank you dear friend for all those shared present moments today... it will hold a special place in my heart ~ right where you already are.