Sewing...

When I was a young girl my mother taught me to sew and I loved it. I use to make some of my own clothes and even made myself a bathing suit once. And when I became a mother I made Halloween costumes every year, a prom dress and some of their everyday clothes. And there was always the many crafts to be sewn that I loved creating too. Then a few years ago I started sewing for a lady as a job and I did it for about eight years. It sucked the fun out of my sewing and since I've stopped working for her I've had a really hard time getting myself back to the sewing machine. It just sits there with endless projects in front of it and a longing. But I want to find that love again for sewing. Like everything else... one stitch at a time... one project at a time... the love will return!

A Memory...

  "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Maya Angelou

    When I was reviewing my memories and there are a lot that is missing and a lot that has made an impact, but the one that kept resurfacing was a neighbor I had named Mr. Roach. I lived in Cleveland Ohio at the time and I was somewhere between the ages of 8 and 10. He lived a couple house down from ours and it was such a wonderful place to be. My mother didn't bother me about going over there and it was never what he did or said but I remember how he made me feel. Those years we lived in that house were rough for me. I don't think rougher than later years but it felt like it because of how young I was. I remember wanting/trying to take my life at one time. I don't need to relive those memories, but Mr. Roach was a light in my darkness. He was just a kind older man, guessing probably around 70 or 80 years old. When your young the old look at lot older than when you view them through the eyes of aging.
     He always had a stash of mallow cups that he shared and would listen to and tell me stories of his life. He had a sense of humor too. Once he told me the story of how he took his glass eye out when someone told him to keep his eye on the ball ( he was playing pool in his youth) and then he described their reaction. Most of all I remember his loving-kindness, not for anything particular he said or did, but His presence in my life I have never forgotten. In my later years when things were not really any better at home, I always wished I had a Mr. Roach to just hang out with, but I never had that kind of experience again in my childhood. So it is a treasure that I hold in my heart and it drives me to provide that same feeling to children whether my own or not... I hope they always remember how I made them feel!

Oh Deer...

Earlier this year I wrote a post about an experience I had with a family of deer and today, I again had an experience with a family of deer. This morning I went to someones house to walk their dog and when I pulled up to the top of the driveway there to my right was a family of deer. A mother, father and three children. One of the baby deer had a hurt leg. But none of them ran and I continued down the driveway really slow then got out of the car and just quietly talked with them. It seemed like forever but I'm sure it was only a few minutes, then they all just wandered off, but the mother deer keep watch and I felt we connected mother to mother as I wished her healing for her child who was hurt. I know this may sound crazy but I'm always looking up the meaning of animals that find there way into my life. This past year I had a family of tree frogs living outside of my house. In the twenty two years I've been here, I've never had tree frogs visit, much less stay. Just yesterday I was taking a moment to read a book I'm trying to finish and a squirrel  jumped on the table outside my window and just hung out for awhile to chat.

Here is some of what I found when I looked up the meaning of seeing deer...

By observing the ways in which deer behave, it is possible to see what amazing qualities - or powers - they possess. From the deer we can learn that the gift of gentleness and caring can help us overcome and put aside many testing situations. Only love, both for ourselves and for others, helps us understand the true meaning of wholeness.

If a deer crosses your path, this may show you that you are a very compassionate, gentle and loving person. If you don't have these qualities, then consider if you have a problem that needs addressing. Are you facing a challenge in your life, whether with a fellow human being or a delicate situation? If you are feeling negative emotions such as anger, try letting go. Think about whether a gentler and more loving approach can sort the issue out. It may be necessary to speak the truth, this is best done with kindness and from the heart, this will generally give a better result.

Deer teaches us how powerful it is to be of gentle demeanor, to exert keen observation and sensitivity. Deer's are in tune with nature and all it comprises. They are sacred carriers of peace and show those with this power animal how to open their hearts and love unconditionally. 

Deer has entered your life to help you walk the path of love with full consciousness and awareness, to know that love sometimes requires caring and protection, not only in how we love others, but also in how we love ourselves. 

Deer teaches us to be gentle, to touch the hearts and minds of wounded beings who are in our lives. Don't push people to change, rather gently nudge them in right direction, with the love that comes from deer. Love and accept people as they are. The balance of true power lays in love and compassion. 
 

Out Loud...

A friend and I were chatting the other day by way of facebook and mentioned how saying something out loud helps the healing. And there is, something about saying "it" out loud that helps! So tonight I thought I would say something out loud because I keep trying to tell myself I need to get over it, but it clearly is not happening. See... I have/had a niece that is only five years younger then my oldest son and five years older then my middle son, and I was very close with her since she was little, but just in the past six months, she and her mother quit talking to me. I've reached out to them and have received NO response! My feelings are hurt and as much as I know it's more about them then me, I find myself filled with lost and sadness, that for whatever reason they no longer choose to communicate. So having said it out loud, maybe my heart will start to find some peace with questions that I may never have answers too and with what feels like such a great loss.

"I miss you ~ my dearest Kristin"

my heart will always hold that place where you fit

Roots and Wings...

"There are two gifts we should give our children; 

one is roots, and the other is wings"

Being a mother has ALWAYS been the only thing I wanted in my life ( will... except for a loving husband to go along with that), and my hope is that I have provided them with roots and wings with which to fly. My oldest son has flown away, but not far. He has roots here and his wings are strong. He has landed just fine and is doing well. My other two children may not have physically left the nest but they are flying in different ways that is so beautiful to watch.

Family...

"Family... We may not have it all together, but together we have it all."

At times I get caught up in labels of what constitutes a family - mother, father, children, pets, and I forget just because we don't look like the perfect picture we are still very much a family. I consider my friends part of my family too. The more the merrier!

Hold on...

There are times as a mother I've told my children "everything will be okay", "your going to do great", "you can do this" and I truly believed that for them. There are times in life, I have to believe that someone else believes for me, when I can't. So today my dear friend told me "everything will be okay" and I am holding on to her belief, when in my darkness I cannot see that clearly.

Magic Wand...

As I've gotten older, my mother often says to me..."I wish I had a magic wand to make it all better." And as much as a part of me wished that were true, the other part of me knows that I will be okay and have been. But having said that, as my children are growing up, my heart hurts because "I" don't have that magic wand that would make their life right now just like they would like it. But my wisdom knows that there is a better place for us and it's hard for them to see it when you've not had the years of wisdom to "just know" that.

Drummer...

"Maybe you’ve felt like you’re not cut from the same cloth. You’re probably right. You’re not ‘normal.’ You’re not ordinary. I’d say you’re extraordinary. You’re a voice. You’re a presence. And you are here to bring something different to the conversation. Let your difference make a difference."

Tama J. Kieves

My mother had given me a little plaque to put in my room when I was young that read:

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears however measured or far away." 

I always felt growing up that my difference to the others in the family was a defect, something to feel bad about because I couldn't see life the way they saw it. But now a little older and wiser, I'm realizing I can bring something different to the conversation... AND that I CAN make a difference in the world!

The Play...

Today we are going to watch my niece in a play. I'm so excited because I love plays.When my children were younger I use to take them to the Children's Theater and a few times as they have gotten older. Secretly as a teenage I wanted to act so bad, I would walk by the drama room in high school and WISH I had the nerve to participate, but I never did. I know it does no good to have regrets in life but sometimes that feeling creeps up and "I wish I could have", but I didn't and that's okay. I have done many creative things in my life and being able to be a mother to my three children tops anything or any regrets I could have.

A Song...

My oldest son is getting married this October and he called me the other day and wanted me to pick a song for the mother~son dance. My first thought was the song "I Hope You Dance", which always brings me to tears. But with a little time to reflect I feel a bit overwhelming and honored all wrapped into one. Overwhelmed to find a song that will incapsulate all that a mother could feel for her son and honored that we have a relationship that offers the opportunity to to even have a beautiful mother~son dance. And as the months drift by I will enjoy the process to find "just the right song" that will hopefully bring joy and happiness to his special day and our special dance. 

Love to you my dearest son ~ Matthew

May she rest in peace

a kitten is born
becomes a mother and friend
we will miss you - LOTS