Fish out of water...

"The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned."

Maya Angelou

As my search for my forever home continues, I've realized I'm feeling like a "fish out of water." I'm such a homebody and a home is a place of refuge and a place to recharge from the world for me. But I am forever grateful for the refuge I do have among people who have provided a safe and loving place to be while I turn the page of this new chapter in my and my children's lives. Today in this present moment I will breathe deeply and remember this quote...

"Home is where the heart is."

The Roller Coaster Ride...

Roller coasters are on my "least favorite things" list, but that is what my life is right now and I am trying to figure out how to "enjoy the ride" with the least resistance. I felt better yesterday, but today I let one little potential setback throw me on the downward spiral and I don't want to go there. If this is my life right now then I have to go with all the ups and downs with grace, patience and love for myself that I can muster. Its hard trusting the outcome, even when you have a plan, things shift, change and that doesn't always mean for the worse. I can expect more then I could have ever imagined for myself and my children and I may have to take a different route and head a different direction. And for those who know me well, know driving and going places unknown is on the top of my "least favorite list!" So this roller coaster ride is quit the challenge for me.

Reconstructing A Life...

My life goes on... driving, cleaning, cooking, shopping, making phone calls, talking with friends, watering plants, getting dressed... but in the shadow, lingers grief and an unsettled unknowing of how to "reconstruct a new life." The people that surround me have not changed, mother nature provides her constant  beauty that is unwavering, and my children remain ever present and close. These are the things I hold onto as I stumble along, looking for refuge, while newness comes each day asking for my assistance.
I'm reminded that reconstruction comes with time... one step at a time. What was. is gone, you sift through the rubble and hold on to the good, while letting go of all that no longer serves you. You listen closer, now that the noise of the past is silent...and you begin!

From where do you draw your energy...

 

 I draw my energy from many things, people and places...

 Being in my home surrounded by all the things I love

Having all my children together

Laughing and sharing with friends

A long walk along the beach

Walking in my backyard

Watching the sunset

Sitting under a tree

Finding quiet time 

Empty Nest...

 

I am not sure if I will ever have an empty nest and that is okay with me either way.  And soon I will have my first granddaughter and I can't wait for her to fill any space I have in my life along with my children anytime they want to. It is nice to have open space to wander around in my life without having to worry about anyone but me sometimes. But I've enjoyed every stage of my children and I really can't imagine even if they decide to not live with me that my nest would ever be empty for long.

Victory...

Since I was a young teen I have always loved loved loved puzzles. I can remember growing up always having a puzzle laid out somewhere and working on it after school and on weekends. But as my life progressed to children and animals, there never seemed to be the time or a space to have a puzzle sitting around. So it feels like a small victory to have found a way to have a puzzle out ( children are older now) while avoiding my four cats losing all my pieces. So I am very excited, but now the hard part begins... learning to step away from the puzzle!!! I could sit there all day and night playing and enjoying. I'm just so glad to have that "joy" back in my life!

Pooh...

 

 "How do you spell 'love'?"

~ Piglet

"You don't spell it, you feel it."

~ Pooh

My children loved Winnie the Pooh when they were very young. I think I have every tape there was and we watched them all ~ over and over and over again. I loved them too and I can't wait till I can watch them again with my sweet sweet sweet granddaughter!

Jealous...

 

I found myself having a hard time feeling like I needed to let go of jealousy with a particular person in my life. Then I realized I didn't need to get rid of it, but dig deeper into what that feeling was trying to tell me. And it was FEAR... fear that I would never have what they seem to have right now. That I will always be left without - that special someone that would love me. A relationship to share my vulnerability, my laughter, my tears, my children, my hopes and dreams. Someone to chat with about life and love, that person to feel accepted and genuinely cared about. The jealousy has not left me yet, so I will give it a safe place to be for now without judgement or labels and love myself until...

A Memory...

  "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Maya Angelou

    When I was reviewing my memories and there are a lot that is missing and a lot that has made an impact, but the one that kept resurfacing was a neighbor I had named Mr. Roach. I lived in Cleveland Ohio at the time and I was somewhere between the ages of 8 and 10. He lived a couple house down from ours and it was such a wonderful place to be. My mother didn't bother me about going over there and it was never what he did or said but I remember how he made me feel. Those years we lived in that house were rough for me. I don't think rougher than later years but it felt like it because of how young I was. I remember wanting/trying to take my life at one time. I don't need to relive those memories, but Mr. Roach was a light in my darkness. He was just a kind older man, guessing probably around 70 or 80 years old. When your young the old look at lot older than when you view them through the eyes of aging.
     He always had a stash of mallow cups that he shared and would listen to and tell me stories of his life. He had a sense of humor too. Once he told me the story of how he took his glass eye out when someone told him to keep his eye on the ball ( he was playing pool in his youth) and then he described their reaction. Most of all I remember his loving-kindness, not for anything particular he said or did, but His presence in my life I have never forgotten. In my later years when things were not really any better at home, I always wished I had a Mr. Roach to just hang out with, but I never had that kind of experience again in my childhood. So it is a treasure that I hold in my heart and it drives me to provide that same feeling to children whether my own or not... I hope they always remember how I made them feel!

Oh Deer...

Earlier this year I wrote a post about an experience I had with a family of deer and today, I again had an experience with a family of deer. This morning I went to someones house to walk their dog and when I pulled up to the top of the driveway there to my right was a family of deer. A mother, father and three children. One of the baby deer had a hurt leg. But none of them ran and I continued down the driveway really slow then got out of the car and just quietly talked with them. It seemed like forever but I'm sure it was only a few minutes, then they all just wandered off, but the mother deer keep watch and I felt we connected mother to mother as I wished her healing for her child who was hurt. I know this may sound crazy but I'm always looking up the meaning of animals that find there way into my life. This past year I had a family of tree frogs living outside of my house. In the twenty two years I've been here, I've never had tree frogs visit, much less stay. Just yesterday I was taking a moment to read a book I'm trying to finish and a squirrel  jumped on the table outside my window and just hung out for awhile to chat.

Here is some of what I found when I looked up the meaning of seeing deer...

By observing the ways in which deer behave, it is possible to see what amazing qualities - or powers - they possess. From the deer we can learn that the gift of gentleness and caring can help us overcome and put aside many testing situations. Only love, both for ourselves and for others, helps us understand the true meaning of wholeness.

If a deer crosses your path, this may show you that you are a very compassionate, gentle and loving person. If you don't have these qualities, then consider if you have a problem that needs addressing. Are you facing a challenge in your life, whether with a fellow human being or a delicate situation? If you are feeling negative emotions such as anger, try letting go. Think about whether a gentler and more loving approach can sort the issue out. It may be necessary to speak the truth, this is best done with kindness and from the heart, this will generally give a better result.

Deer teaches us how powerful it is to be of gentle demeanor, to exert keen observation and sensitivity. Deer's are in tune with nature and all it comprises. They are sacred carriers of peace and show those with this power animal how to open their hearts and love unconditionally. 

Deer has entered your life to help you walk the path of love with full consciousness and awareness, to know that love sometimes requires caring and protection, not only in how we love others, but also in how we love ourselves. 

Deer teaches us to be gentle, to touch the hearts and minds of wounded beings who are in our lives. Don't push people to change, rather gently nudge them in right direction, with the love that comes from deer. Love and accept people as they are. The balance of true power lays in love and compassion. 
 

Snuggle...

Yesterday I had a rare occasion to hang out with some of my dear friends that I don't get to see very often and I got a bonus surprise. There was a baby ( about a year old) visiting that I didn't know was going to be there. It was so nice to get to snuggle with all that innocence and pure love that children possess. It felt so good! I hadn't held a "wee one" in quit some time and it just makes me all the more excited to hold my grandchild in the coming months.

Best Thing...

For days I was hanging out in a place that was full of children. They were excited, running back and forth and up and down, soaking up everything around them. I never get tired of watching the child like innocence, their wonder and pure JOY that they seem to get from the very present moment their in. Children are the best thing every!!!

Down Time....

It is so nice to have some down time, meaning no walking unless I want to, no "have to's" or getting up early to get out the door, but just to sit for hours, laugh, share meals with friends, and watch my children and their friends enjoy each others company. I'm soaking up each present moment...

Refuge...

"The library had become her solace. Her refuge. Books did not question or judge. They made safe companions."

Inglath Cooper, Truth and Roses: A Love Story

We all need a place of refuge from life. I'm glad my children feel that way about their home and with friends and families homes. To find refuge to relax, to not have to feel like you have to be anything but your imperfect, perfect self is a time to gather strength to keep moving forward in each present moment.  When I'm not able to be with those people who provide solace, I find it in books, nature, food, art, quiet time, and animals.

Domestic...

I had a few hours ( after I took time to sleep in) before I went to work today and I just caught up on all the little domestic things that needed to get done. The laundry, dishes ( dishwasher finally stopped working), sweeping, organizing etc. And I found myself as I consciously stayed in the present moment with each task, I was enjoying them! I've always loved doing all those "domestic" things and some I love and some I like but generally it's a part of the life I want. I want to be married, take care of my home and love my children and family and friends. Sounds simple? Just need the husband part and I'll be "all good."

Roots and Wings...

"There are two gifts we should give our children; 

one is roots, and the other is wings"

Being a mother has ALWAYS been the only thing I wanted in my life ( will... except for a loving husband to go along with that), and my hope is that I have provided them with roots and wings with which to fly. My oldest son has flown away, but not far. He has roots here and his wings are strong. He has landed just fine and is doing well. My other two children may not have physically left the nest but they are flying in different ways that is so beautiful to watch.

A Fathers Choice...

Happy Fathers Day to all the fathers that "choose" everyday to be a father to their children!

And thank you to my father who passed away nineteen and a half years ago ~ he used his last breath to let me know he loved me.

Present Moment Haiku..

A family of gophers

With a significant loss

But they carry on

While I was waiting to get my brakes done on my car  ( had three hours to wait), I started a book I am really enjoying and got a surprise visit in a near by field of gophers. There were three, what looked like a parent and two children. I asked the owner of the car shop about them and he said one of the parents had just gotten hit by a car not long ago. 

Cooking...

"If you give a man a fish he feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish you feed him for a lifetime."

Chinese Proverb

Two of my children are really beginning to enjoy the "joy" of cooking. My middle son loves to bake and come up with interesting sandwiches as well as have a creative opinion about our dinners together. My daughter surprised me the other day when I came home and discovered she had "made up" a recipe and it was delicious. So delicious, that we made the pancakes when my sister came to visit and she wrote the recipe down to take home with her. Plus my daughter has been helping make dinner the last few nights and it is really fun to hang out together with a common goal of "good eats." Always a joy to watch my children flourish, change and grow.

Family...

"Family... We may not have it all together, but together we have it all."

At times I get caught up in labels of what constitutes a family - mother, father, children, pets, and I forget just because we don't look like the perfect picture we are still very much a family. I consider my friends part of my family too. The more the merrier!