Fish out of water...

"The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned."

Maya Angelou

As my search for my forever home continues, I've realized I'm feeling like a "fish out of water." I'm such a homebody and a home is a place of refuge and a place to recharge from the world for me. But I am forever grateful for the refuge I do have among people who have provided a safe and loving place to be while I turn the page of this new chapter in my and my children's lives. Today in this present moment I will breathe deeply and remember this quote...

"Home is where the heart is."

Story...

 

 "Description begins in the writer's imagination. But should finish in the readers."

Stephen King

I've noticed as I've chosen to show up for my creativity each and everyday that the fiction book that has laid dormant in my mind, has begun to surface. The pages speak to me, wanting to be written and set free. I find it interesting that when I've allowed my creativity to have a higher priority in my life, creativity continues to flow, even all that was buried deep within. It feels good to be thinking about my story again, it has been with me for about 15 years. I've kept it captive and locked away... a place that felt safe. But through my art journal, I'm learning to walk with the unknown present moment by present moment. Allowing it to flow even when I don't know what I will meet when I arrive.

Naked...

 

 I've been observing winters naked trees and thinking about how they resemble being vulnerable. You can see clearly all that's inside. All the things that have been broken and all the things that hold your strength. There is no where to hide, your leaves have fallen off and your exposed. I want to find that comfortable, safe place within, to allow myself to be that vulnerable. To expose myself to the world by just being me. To know that is enough and when the spring arrives, I will sprout new growth

Alone...

Somedays, some weeks I just wish I had my "mommy" or " daddy" - that soft, safe place to fall when life has chewed you up and spite you out.  I have never had that and as much as I take care of myself and "be kind" it doesn't replace what the heart ache for - what every child should have available. I know I'm not alone in that feeling and it's not a unique feeling, but right at this present moment it feels like I am ALONE.

Sometimes...

Sometimes life hands you a situation and you are left to wrestle with your emotions. That is what I have done all afternoon. I think I have come to a peaceful conclusion that my heart can live with. Life is constantly asking us to dig a little deeper and find that place within, that may not be perfect but offers our soul a safe resting place.

Refuge...

"The library had become her solace. Her refuge. Books did not question or judge. They made safe companions."

Inglath Cooper, Truth and Roses: A Love Story

We all need a place of refuge from life. I'm glad my children feel that way about their home and with friends and families homes. To find refuge to relax, to not have to feel like you have to be anything but your imperfect, perfect self is a time to gather strength to keep moving forward in each present moment.  When I'm not able to be with those people who provide solace, I find it in books, nature, food, art, quiet time, and animals.

Fine LIne...

Being an introvert its a fine line to know when your taking time to recharge from the world or your isolating. What I've noticed since I don't get to hang out with my group of friends much anymore is that without that planned scheduled time we use to get, I find myself closing off and isolating. So it has been a struggle for me to stay connected even the littlest amount. I've just started working on sending a text out once a week to family or friends. And as silly as it seems, I find that hard to do. I put it off everyday and then I make myself send it. This also makes it a difficult challenge to expose myself in my business http://www.wholefood-living.com/, so I'm hoping that this small practice will be a start to getting myself out there, starting with staying connected to those I know are safe and love me.

Connect...

Sometimes we all just need to be heard and listened too. Today I went to talk with someone and to find that person I could connect with on a regular bases just to chat about my struggles and hopes and dreams. I've always been a care taker and people have told me over the years what a good listener I am, but I've found myself lacking in my own place/space to find the safe and listening ear that I need. "They" say the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and expecting different results, so I decided to reach out and see what happens. I tried so hard to have what I was going to say all planned out, but I never did have my thoughts organized. But in the end all that I said was everything that needed to be said.

Tested...

Trust is tested when what you had hoped and thought would happen is shattered. Now I must hold on to what I believe, which is "all is well and I am safe" and continue to trust that my path in this unknown will be just the right place for my children and I. There is comfort in knowing, I'm not doing this process alone. I had felt alone so many times in my life but life continues to show me over and over again... NO ~ you do not walk this path alone ~ so Trust in the process Nancy and you will be more then okay!

The Heart...

Even though my children are considered by the world "adults" it doesn't mean my heart leaves theirs. When their heart hurts. mine hurts. When their tears run down, my heart aches to ease the pain. In life there are things I can't fix, I can only be there to offer LOVE and a safe and soft place to fall. But the heart is fragile and needs to be handled with care. Tonight I will give those I love a hug, give myself a hug and hope that those that mishandle their children's heart, will find an awakening that will heal their heart that is so wounded.

Room to Grow...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."

Anytime I see a tree out in a clearing like this, it reminds me of my children and other people in my life. When you give them open space and room to grow, it's amazing how big they can be. As my children are becoming older it is even more important to give them lots of space to find their way in this world. And my job is to be there with open arms filled with love and acceptance. To offer that safe place to fall and be their cheerleader. 

Living on the Edge...

I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things that you can't see from the center.

Kurt Vonnegut

Living on the edge is not something that is even remotely within my comfort zone, but I would like it to be a more comfortable feeling ( be careful what you wish for ) . I just love that quote because it is so true - you can see so much more when your not standing safely in the center. If I had to pick one thing I would call "living on the edge" for me, it would be driving. Every time I drive it's a challenge, but it has allowed me to see so much more then staying closed inside and not venturing out. And just "trusting the universe" is pretty close to the edge for me too. I am someone who likes to have things organized and scheduled - I like knowing! So the quote is a good reminder that clinging to close to "safe" leaves no room to see all the beauty that the world has to offer and all that I am capable of offering to the world.

Home...

It's good to be home.

When I am away on a trip or even away for a whole day I always look forward to coming home. It wasn't always like that, but now my home is a warm and welcoming place. A home that is filled with love and a safe place to "be". I love being able to have someone drop by and feel the freedom to entertain people knowing that it's more then a house, it's a home where memories are made. This house for two of my children has been the only home they have known. It's not perfect but neither are we. I try to live by a saying a dear friend said to me once... "If you want to come visit me feel free to stop by, if you want to see my house let me know two weeks ahead of time". This helps me keep the focus on what is important - my friendships and not if everything is in perfect order or in the condition I would like.

WELCOME HOME...