Words and Self Forgiveness...

"She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful."

Terri St. Cloud

Talking with a friend the other day reminded me again how words can be destructive and hurtful or loving and kind.  Like a mirror held up to my soul I saw these destructive and hurtful words about people that haven't even been in my life for a very long time as something more. Those words were really directed at me and had nothing to really do with them. It shined a light on a place within me that is still in need of self-forgiveness. So today I will pick up this present moment and carry with me kinder more loving words for those around me and myself.

The Roller Coaster Ride...

Roller coasters are on my "least favorite things" list, but that is what my life is right now and I am trying to figure out how to "enjoy the ride" with the least resistance. I felt better yesterday, but today I let one little potential setback throw me on the downward spiral and I don't want to go there. If this is my life right now then I have to go with all the ups and downs with grace, patience and love for myself that I can muster. Its hard trusting the outcome, even when you have a plan, things shift, change and that doesn't always mean for the worse. I can expect more then I could have ever imagined for myself and my children and I may have to take a different route and head a different direction. And for those who know me well, know driving and going places unknown is on the top of my "least favorite list!" So this roller coaster ride is quit the challenge for me.

Reconstructing A Life...

My life goes on... driving, cleaning, cooking, shopping, making phone calls, talking with friends, watering plants, getting dressed... but in the shadow, lingers grief and an unsettled unknowing of how to "reconstruct a new life." The people that surround me have not changed, mother nature provides her constant  beauty that is unwavering, and my children remain ever present and close. These are the things I hold onto as I stumble along, looking for refuge, while newness comes each day asking for my assistance.
I'm reminded that reconstruction comes with time... one step at a time. What was. is gone, you sift through the rubble and hold on to the good, while letting go of all that no longer serves you. You listen closer, now that the noise of the past is silent...and you begin!

Friday Photo...

New life - a nest in the middle of a wreath that was hanging on someone's front door!

Dear "Former" Mother-in-Law...

Dear Former Mother-in-Law,
It is with bittersweetness that I write you this letter. You were in my life for more than twenty years. I knew you before I knew your son. Things were never perfect but what family situation is, but I always felt you were my cheerleader in my life. You were what my mother was unable to be for me, and I thank you for that. You enjoyed the grandchildren and family time, you rose to the occasion even when you didn't always feel good. We have been through a lot together and it is the good that I hold dear.
Things did not work out as I had hoped and I know it was not the outcome you had anticipated either, but always know ( and I know you do, deep in your soul,) even though we do not speak to one another anymore, that you are loved and hold a special place in my heart and the heart of your grandchildren.

Loving Always,
Nancy

A Bucket List...

 "Do you have a bucket list and if so name one thing on it, if not why."

One of the first things I've had on my bucket list since as long as I can remember was to see the Redwood trees. That is a dream of mine and something I get so excited thinking about. I don't have a lot of other burning desires right now in my life that I can think of. I would like to see the Grand Canyon. But as my life continues on I might add to the list or I might not. Sometimes I think I am as content with what and whom I'm surrounded by that I don't long for more, except for the Redwoods!

Silliness...

 

 "Live a life of love, honesty, appreciation, kindness, and strength. Sprinkled with a little silliness."

I liked this quote because I always need reminding to add a little sprinkle of silliness to my life!

Movie...

 

Tonight I rested and did what my body needed. I eat dinner, put my pajamas on, got ready for bed and watched a movie. I watched "If I Stay" and I really like the way it was done. It could have been a really really sad movie but the focus was on the love and the people that made up their life, not the death. It wasn't overly dramatic or sappy, just a really well-done movie... I enjoyed the rest and entertainment!

Victory...

Since I was a young teen I have always loved loved loved puzzles. I can remember growing up always having a puzzle laid out somewhere and working on it after school and on weekends. But as my life progressed to children and animals, there never seemed to be the time or a space to have a puzzle sitting around. So it feels like a small victory to have found a way to have a puzzle out ( children are older now) while avoiding my four cats losing all my pieces. So I am very excited, but now the hard part begins... learning to step away from the puzzle!!! I could sit there all day and night playing and enjoying. I'm just so glad to have that "joy" back in my life!

Cup of Tea...

 

I've never been a coffee drinker, but I do love the smell of all the yummy flavors they make. Tea is my comfort place. It offers comfort over and over again in my life and I'm always grateful for that warm embrace it brings.

Rhythm...

 

 ...In the relentless busyness of modern life, we have lost the rhythm between work and rest.

All life requires a rhythm of rest. There is rhythm in our waking activity and the body's need for sleep. There is a rhythm in the way day dissolves into night, and night into morning. there is a rhythm as the active growth of spring and summer is quieted by the necessary dormancy of fall and winter. There is a tidal rhythm, a deep eternal conversation between the land and the great sea. In our bodies, the heart perceptibly rests after each life-giving beat; the lungs rest between the exhale and the inhale.

excerpt from the book: Sabbath - Restoring the Sacred Rhythm of Rest 

By: Wayne Muller

Plates...

I'm not sure what is going on with me in my kitchen, but this past year and the start of the new year, I have broken more of my dishes than I ever have in my entire life. It's been a frustration because I used those baking dishes a lot and the plates and bowls were some of my favorite. Whatever it is, maybe I'm just to let it go. I know I can't do anything about it but I get upset with myself because it keeps happening and it's driving me crazy. So I am just going to let go and start collecting mismatched plates and dishes when I can - I like that idea!

Jealous...

 

I found myself having a hard time feeling like I needed to let go of jealousy with a particular person in my life. Then I realized I didn't need to get rid of it, but dig deeper into what that feeling was trying to tell me. And it was FEAR... fear that I would never have what they seem to have right now. That I will always be left without - that special someone that would love me. A relationship to share my vulnerability, my laughter, my tears, my children, my hopes and dreams. Someone to chat with about life and love, that person to feel accepted and genuinely cared about. The jealousy has not left me yet, so I will give it a safe place to be for now without judgement or labels and love myself until...

A Memory...

  "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Maya Angelou

    When I was reviewing my memories and there are a lot that is missing and a lot that has made an impact, but the one that kept resurfacing was a neighbor I had named Mr. Roach. I lived in Cleveland Ohio at the time and I was somewhere between the ages of 8 and 10. He lived a couple house down from ours and it was such a wonderful place to be. My mother didn't bother me about going over there and it was never what he did or said but I remember how he made me feel. Those years we lived in that house were rough for me. I don't think rougher than later years but it felt like it because of how young I was. I remember wanting/trying to take my life at one time. I don't need to relive those memories, but Mr. Roach was a light in my darkness. He was just a kind older man, guessing probably around 70 or 80 years old. When your young the old look at lot older than when you view them through the eyes of aging.
     He always had a stash of mallow cups that he shared and would listen to and tell me stories of his life. He had a sense of humor too. Once he told me the story of how he took his glass eye out when someone told him to keep his eye on the ball ( he was playing pool in his youth) and then he described their reaction. Most of all I remember his loving-kindness, not for anything particular he said or did, but His presence in my life I have never forgotten. In my later years when things were not really any better at home, I always wished I had a Mr. Roach to just hang out with, but I never had that kind of experience again in my childhood. So it is a treasure that I hold in my heart and it drives me to provide that same feeling to children whether my own or not... I hope they always remember how I made them feel!

Book...

This book " Women Who Run With the Wolves" had come in to my life many many times over the years through conversations, offers of the book and others that had read it and mentioned it to me. So once again this book has presented itself to me... so I'm listening and starting to read...  it is time!

Story...

 

 "Description begins in the writer's imagination. But should finish in the readers."

Stephen King

I've noticed as I've chosen to show up for my creativity each and everyday that the fiction book that has laid dormant in my mind, has begun to surface. The pages speak to me, wanting to be written and set free. I find it interesting that when I've allowed my creativity to have a higher priority in my life, creativity continues to flow, even all that was buried deep within. It feels good to be thinking about my story again, it has been with me for about 15 years. I've kept it captive and locked away... a place that felt safe. But through my art journal, I'm learning to walk with the unknown present moment by present moment. Allowing it to flow even when I don't know what I will meet when I arrive.

A Plan...

 

 "You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breath, trust, let go and see what happens."

This is hard for me. I'm such a planner and want/need to know all the details and I'm sure it gives me some sense of feeling like I have control. But I find myself wanting more of this in my life - to... breath... trust... let go... and see what happens. This is a present moment by present moment challenge, but with each moment that passes I hope I will get a little better at it!

Free...

 http://www.lisasonora.com/30-day-journal-project/

Keeping a journal has always been a big part of my life, it gave me a voice when I felt I had none. I've kept a journal since I was a teen and over the years it has taken different forms. My most recent is my art journal that I've posted about before. I've enjoyed seeing textures, color and whatever my little heart feels like creating. I consider it a journal even though I don't always write in it but my thoughts are the same just expressed in a different way.
Posted above is a 30 day journal project for FREE if  you want to give it a try... Hope you enjoy the process as much as I have. Try doing it with a friend... it's a whole lot of fun!!!

Learning...

This is the beginning of the cooperative art journal I mentioned in an earlier post this month and I'm learning through my art that it is a lot about the unknown. The cover of the journal is not at all as I had invisioned when I had the idea of what I wanted the cover to be. But much like life, there is no "do over" and I can only make beautiful from what I already have. I don't know what the end result will be for my journal anymore then I know the end results for my life. But I can learn to trust the process and "know" no matter what it will be just what it is suppose to be. And yes... it may not be perfect but neither am I, but it is a special process because it is shared with a good friend and what couldn't be beautiful about that.

Years...

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer."

Zora Neale Hurston

I feel like for most of my life have been about the question, and have I been listening? I've always been in a hurry to find out the answer and that not listening close enough, has lead to choices that didn't feed my soul. My intention as the New Year approaches is to listen deeper and follow the answers that leave me feeling full.