Reconstructing A Life...

My life goes on... driving, cleaning, cooking, shopping, making phone calls, talking with friends, watering plants, getting dressed... but in the shadow, lingers grief and an unsettled unknowing of how to "reconstruct a new life." The people that surround me have not changed, mother nature provides her constant  beauty that is unwavering, and my children remain ever present and close. These are the things I hold onto as I stumble along, looking for refuge, while newness comes each day asking for my assistance.
I'm reminded that reconstruction comes with time... one step at a time. What was. is gone, you sift through the rubble and hold on to the good, while letting go of all that no longer serves you. You listen closer, now that the noise of the past is silent...and you begin!

Battles...

"Be selective in your battles, for sometimes peace is better than being right."

Kushandwizdom

This is something I have certainly learned with age. Pick your battles! Many many years ago I had a hard time letting go when everything always seems like it was so wrong. I felt if I let it go, that it would never change,  so I held on so tight, changing nothing and having anything but peace. It feels much better today to just let it pass on by. 

Somedays...

"Be yourself, everyone else is already taken."

"Never put the key to your happiness in somebody else's pocket."

Kushandwizdom

"Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work"

John Trainer M.D.

"The hardest part about letting go is finally realizing that there wasn't much left to hold on to."

Somedays I just need a few good quotes to carry me though!

Softly...

Sometimes when I'm looking for answers or at least a "knowing" of what seems right at the moment, I have to retreat and withdraw from the world even when I'm in it. After having done that for a week, my answer come softly and it seemed more about letting go of my resistance to an idea of the way "I thought" something should be and letting things flow in a new direction. 

Trying...

" Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it"

David Foster Wallace

In this process of letting go of my house and everything that goes along with that, I'm trying for the first time in my life to not "let go without claw marks on it."  I want to be willing, to let the process flow in and out of my life and even though I'm not doing it perfectly, I keep trying.

Scary...

"Letting go is scary. It's a free fall, an act of surrender."

"We're not use to letting go. We're used to hanging on for dear life. We hang on for lots of reasons."

"We're simply afraid of the free fall, afraid of coming alive as ourselves."

"Letting go frees up your energy and your attention. In the open field of surrender lie the seeds of new possibilities."

Daphne Rose Kingma

In my process of letting go of my house, these are all good things I need to keep remembering. And letting go is not something that I only do once, it is part of life! When I'm done with this process there will be another and another. Each bringing me to a deeper sense of wonder and possibilities for my life. But as I stand in the midst of the emotions, I have a hard time seeing all that can and will be. But I am grateful to be surrounded by people that can see what I can not and one day I will look back and gaze upon the vision they knew was possible.

Hopes and Dreams...

I realized letting go of my house is the same as my marriage. It is more about letting go of the illusion of what I thought I had and wanted. Neither my marriage or my home had materialized to be what I had hoped and dreamed. So as I continue to shuffle and sort through all the stuff in my house, preparing to leave it behind, I mourn. I mourn for all that was and wasn't, and to start a new chapter in my life, filled with all my hopes and dreams!!!

Renewed...

Letting go is a process. It comes in stages of grief, anger and acceptance. Somedays I'm in all those places. My tears release and wash the feeling clean and I am renewed to continue on this journey. As the next present moment presents itself, I allow it to flow through me without judgement. I am strong and brave...

Grieving...

"Grief Attacks"

When grieving we can be going along and everything seems to be okay. then out of nowhere grief hits full force. These are not set backs, they are a part of the grieving experience.

Grief... an old friend returns. I'd been wondering what was going on with me the last few weeks. I'd be okay one moment and then feeling sad and crying the next.  It's a process of letting go, of leaving behind, of complete unknown. I've know "grief" before and it has come back to visit once again. Now that I know, I can continue to be kinder to myself, to help my children walk through this seemingly dark and scary time with grace and peace. Welcome old friend... we shall walk this path together until we no longer need each other.

Blindfolded...

Right now in my life I feel like I am walking around with a blindfold on. It feels like EVERYTHING  is unknown ~ my health, my home, my car, my work, a relationship. Guess it's time to LOVE the unknown and flow with it. Resistance is useless...  Letting go is freeing!

Harvest...

"The answers to the lack you may be temporarily experiencing are all within you. Show up, let go and trust The Uni-verse one day at a time. Get your desires, thoughts and actions in alignment and then let your patience and faith shower down on the fertile soil of your actions.

Your harvest WILL come."

Words borrowed from: http://thedailylove.com/

I have been showing up, letting go and trusting ~ one day at a time. I love the statement,     " Your harvest WILL come." That is what keeps me stretching forward ~ KNOWING my harvest WILL come if I keep my desires, thoughts and actions in alignment.

Exactly...

"Let all things be exactly as they are."

"That's a painful invocation when you're kicking inside aching for things to be different. But it's not just some holy-minded pacifier, like how to spiritually kill time while you're waiting in the cold for the bus. It's a focus that helps you let go of your resistance to the situation before you. Resistance causes pain and separation. Resistance is the part of you that "wants things to be otherwise." The lack of resistance 

frees up more resources. When you accept what is, you can begin to love what is. Love moves energy."

 inspiring words from the book Inspired & Unstoppable by Tama Kieves

 “Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.” —Michael Peake. 

This pretty much sums up my life. I need to post this in my house like wallpaper. When I let go it leaves the door open to be vunerable and the unknown floods in. Two things I fear the most! And like a pandoras box - the two things I want the most. This is my challenge ~ "Let all things be exactly as they are"

A Good Quote...

"It is very easy to be tricked by the circumstances of the present moment. But, dear seeker, remember that everything changes! Life is an exercise not in adding, but in constantly letting go of what you know and who you think you are and to have the courage to become brand new. When we fixate on the past, we welcome it into our present moment, which keeps the past alive. When you give up the fight

THAT is when you'll take flight!"

- Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.

Mantra...

Say it... Shout it... Believe it... "I'm going to make it happen".

This is my mantra for the year 2012, combined with "letting go" of the results. It's a journey not a destination...

Letting Go...

Sometimes I find reading other peoples words comforting and food for my soul. The words below are borrowed and I am nurtured by them.

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We have within us a deep longing to grow and become a new creature, but we possess an equally strong compulsion to remain the same-to burrow down in our safe, secure places.

Letting go isn't one step but many. It's a winding, spiraling process that happens on deep levels.

Clinging creates a shrinking within the soul, a shrinking of possibility and growth.

Night empties us of our clinging. We're called to let go even our letting go. We need to quit forcing things and enter the darkness of true liberty, where we give up self-efforts and allow- and draw us to our moment of readiness.

When it comes to letting go, we have to arrive at a moment of genuine readiness.

We are offered the experiences, events and encounters that help us find the courage to open ourselves with gentleness.

It takes courage to become who you are.

The fruit of letting go is birth.

It was the beginning of leaving behind the first half of my life and those ways of living it that no longer worked.

My Biggest Fear...

IS... that I will never be loved by a wonderful man.

(I find myself feeling silly and embarrassed to say it, but I need to put it out in the Universe. To release and allow the feeling to be set free.)

It's not a rational thought but it is a very deep rooted fear that I've never expressed to anyone. I'm shining the light on it so it can flourish and be nourished to grow into something beautiful. To let go of the fear that has no place in my life anymore and to start replacing it with what I really know to be true... I am lovable and I am loved. I deserve to be loved by a wonderful man who is generous, honest and kind. That it is safe to be vulnerable and have all the happiness and joy that is available to everyone. This I know for sure...

So I will lay this fear to rest and mourn no more for what I fear will never be. With this release I open myself up to ALLOW and I am grateful.

Enjoy the Ride...

Everyday as I am looking for work that will fit my life I also work on letting go of the results. I am not sure where the next stop on my journey is taking me but I'm trying to love the ride. Sometimes it's hard to let go when the only thing I've ever wanted since I was a young girl was to be a wife and mother. So while the path I'm on "looks" like I'm not getting to that place, I get stuck. Stuck feeling like it will never happen (at least the wife part, I have three wonderful children). But I can't stay in that stuck place because it doesn't change anything, it only holds me back from stepping onto the train of life. I find myself wanting the old people, places and things just because there familiar not because that is what I really want. The challenge in each day is to keep the focus. I know what I want and I know I deserve it but what I don't know is the path to getting there. So I let go and try new paths, new people, new places and sit back and enjoy the scenery.

Resistance

I'm feeling resistance to "what is" today. Not sure what "that is" only that maybe I "should" be making it different or that I "should" know what I am suppose to do. Just feeling unsettled and that makes me feel like I "should' make something happen, even if I don't know what that is. So I do know to take a deep breath in and a deep breath out then LET GO. Letting go of there having to be a solution that is up to me. Just put one foot in front of the other, one breath after the other and relax and know all is well even if I don't know what's next. Release all resistance...............

November...

I started the month of October as my "no worries" time. I have decided to have November as my "be grateful and no analyzing my feelings month". I want the days to just swim in gratitude and offer them no resistance to anything that I am feeling. To just let "it all be". To live each and every moment carefree, living in expectancy and joy as the universe figures out the end result. It feels good to LET GO and rest with childlike anticipation, as I become more and more use to the everyday miracles. I am overflowing with GRATITUDE.

Fear... and answers

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎"The presence of fear is a sure sign you're trusting in your own strength."

A COURSE IN MIRACLES

This week I had plumbing issues at my house. At first I was mad at myself because I knew better then to put food down the garbage disposal because it has clogged up before. But I did it anyway and wa-la..... CLOGGED drain. Fear came and went. I thought I can do this, I can manage this problem, it's happened before. Then as nothing was working fear come back, oh no what am I going to do know. Is it a problem bad enough to call the plumber, do I know anyone who would know anything about plumbing and do I have the nerve to ask them, what should I do. Then the fear would subside and I would try again... nothing. I decided to go to bed visualize and let go and as I did, the universe provided an answer. A friend of a friend offered to come help. AWESOME!!! I was thrilled and went to the sink once more to give it one last plunge and that did the trick. But I now know that my "presence of fear was a sure sign I was trusting on my own strength" to figure it out. That is a big lesson I am learning on this journey of life, I don't have to "do it all myself", and that is feeling really good right now.