My Biggest Fear...

IS... that I will never be loved by a wonderful man.

(I find myself feeling silly and embarrassed to say it, but I need to put it out in the Universe. To release and allow the feeling to be set free.)

It's not a rational thought but it is a very deep rooted fear that I've never expressed to anyone. I'm shining the light on it so it can flourish and be nourished to grow into something beautiful. To let go of the fear that has no place in my life anymore and to start replacing it with what I really know to be true... I am lovable and I am loved. I deserve to be loved by a wonderful man who is generous, honest and kind. That it is safe to be vulnerable and have all the happiness and joy that is available to everyone. This I know for sure...

So I will lay this fear to rest and mourn no more for what I fear will never be. With this release I open myself up to ALLOW and I am grateful.

It's beginning to look a lot like fall...

Some of my favorite things:

Mums

Pumpkins

Crisp fall air

Open Windows

Leaves changing color

Acorns crunching under my shoe

New Harvest of vegetables planted

Experiencing each in the present moment with family and friends - is the BEST!

Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all. ~Stanley Horowitz

Yes...Just for me!

These are some spontaneous flowers that came up in my garden this year. I planted them last year and when they died the seeds scattered themselves and waited in surprise for spring. I have enjoyed them and the hummingbirds have too. I love having fresh flowers to bring in the house. I have been cutting them and placing them on my stove. They bring a smile to my face every time I cook a meal. And no one bought them for to me, for a special occasion, they are "JUST FOR ME", just because!

Enjoy the Ride...

Everyday as I am looking for work that will fit my life I also work on letting go of the results. I am not sure where the next stop on my journey is taking me but I'm trying to love the ride. Sometimes it's hard to let go when the only thing I've ever wanted since I was a young girl was to be a wife and mother. So while the path I'm on "looks" like I'm not getting to that place, I get stuck. Stuck feeling like it will never happen (at least the wife part, I have three wonderful children). But I can't stay in that stuck place because it doesn't change anything, it only holds me back from stepping onto the train of life. I find myself wanting the old people, places and things just because there familiar not because that is what I really want. The challenge in each day is to keep the focus. I know what I want and I know I deserve it but what I don't know is the path to getting there. So I let go and try new paths, new people, new places and sit back and enjoy the scenery.

Time... to listen...

A few weeks ago I was running around accomplishing and crossing off things on my to do list. One thing was to stop at the grocery store and pick up something on special. As I was leaving a man who no doubt had been tossed around by life, asked if I had a cigarette he could buy. Since I don't smoke I told him I didn't and went on my way. As I was driving to the next "to do" I thought, I guess I could have gone back in the store and bought him a pack of cigarettes. So I stopped at another store and bought a pack to drop off to him. As I did I noticed someone else had the kindness of heart of offer him a pack. But what I realized later was he really wanted my time. Time to sit and listen to him. I did listen for about 5 or 10 minutes all the while thinking about my things I had planned on getting done that day. And then I told him I had to go. Today I was reminded of him and how I can use that opportunity to remember to listen more deeply to those around me. I think we all just want to be listened to more deeply and to be heard. He may not have been making much sense, but does it really matter what he was saying. It was about being in that moment and fully present to another human being.

A Present Moment...

On the last day of my awesome beach trip my usual first reaction is to try to hold on to all the moments and never let them go. To feel sad and wish it would never end. But this time I tried to just let each moment be what it was and not try to hold it so tight thinking that somehow I could capture it and have some kind of control over it. I was just as happy when I left as I was when I arrived. I am working on "impermanence" in my life. Letting go was not something I ever did very well. There is a saying "I never let go of anything with out claw marks all over it", and all the while screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. That was me! But now being in a place in my life of utter uncertainty, my choice's are to embrace it or fight it. And I am choosing to embrace the unknown. To let each present moment bring me new and exciting ideas and challenges. I'm so grateful I don't have to go this uncharted road alone. I have the most giving, supportive and loving friends anyone could want. Everyday I appreciate their presence in my life. And thanks to all that follow my blog that I have never met. I hope you gain as much as I do from each person that passes through our lives. Let's embrace the impermanence together!

Live the Questions...

One of the benefits of letting go of our attachments to the past and the future, and the stories that keep us stuck there, is that it " empties us out." It allows us to be fully present and open in the moment.

I am currently reading a book called "The Art of Uncertainty". A book that fits into my life and is letting me cling to it while I let go and find comfort in my uncertainty. I've crossed and burned all the "known" bridge's in my life and am now left with only the unfamiliar. One moment I am excited and elated and the next I think I've lost my mind and become uneasy and fearful. The book is helping me walk through the moments and know "This too shall pass." It reminding me that... We think that impermanence makes us suffer. It is not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not. Finding the peace in "change" is a life long goal. It is something that is guaranteed. Nothing ever stays the same. Each moment brings with it change and when we stay present it's not as frightening.

Just remember:

If your in a bad situation, don't worry-it'll change.

If your in a good situation, don't worry-it'll change!

and

The closest to being in control we will ever be is in that moment, that we realize we're not.