New Years Eve...

Wishing all my earthly companions who walk this journey with me a...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I am declaring this year to be the year that I believe in ME...

The year that I walk in the present moment hand in hand with the unknown...

Love is Welcome Here!

Smile...

Reflecting on my day yesterday I can't but smile. Because no matter what life offers me I am not traveling it alone. I am hugged and serenaded with kind words, and even a laugh or two is good for the soul. I have not conquered some of my biggest fears but it's okay because "You" help me see that it's okay and with each experience I gain, I become stronger and carry a knowing that I never walk this earth without your presence to lift me to a higher place. My gratitude is overflowing and I thank each one of you for your special place in my life. You have opened windows in my "being" that offer me the opportunity to see the present moment around me in a new light and bask in the love that shines forth.

Haiku...

The evergreen sits

waiting for decoration

while sharing her scent

Stories...

Our lives are ruled by stories, the stories we tell ourselves. What if it were true that you already had everything you needed to pursue and achieve your dreams and that the journey wasn't about becoming more, but becoming aware and tapped into the wholeness that you already are?

(borrowed words from " TheDailyLove" Website)

What if this were true...

Let Yourself be Brand New In Every Moment!

This title came from a website that I follow called TheDailyLove.com.

I just loved the thought of thinking of myself brand new every moment. Even if I could wake each day and think yesterday is over and I am brand new today. It's kind of a freeing idea to imagine that the "slate" is wiped clean and I am really brand new. And the funny part is I really always have been, because no one is keeping score but ME!! Just a good reminder... Thank you -self!

Home...

It's good to be home.

When I am away on a trip or even away for a whole day I always look forward to coming home. It wasn't always like that, but now my home is a warm and welcoming place. A home that is filled with love and a safe place to "be". I love being able to have someone drop by and feel the freedom to entertain people knowing that it's more then a house, it's a home where memories are made. This house for two of my children has been the only home they have known. It's not perfect but neither are we. I try to live by a saying a dear friend said to me once... "If you want to come visit me feel free to stop by, if you want to see my house let me know two weeks ahead of time". This helps me keep the focus on what is important - my friendships and not if everything is in perfect order or in the condition I would like.

WELCOME HOME...

Change is Beautiful...

As I was driving down the highway yesterday, I noticed the tree's changing from fall to winter. I have learned over the last few years to really love the bare trees and to enjoy the change. While looking at the trees I realize they tell me, "one thing is for sure - change happens, but that doesn't mean it is a bad thing, Change can be BEAUTIFUL". I guess it's all the way you look at it. I have always allowed "change" in my life to be a scary, dreaded, unwelcome process. But little by little I'm finding the unknown that change brings more of a welcoming place to be. A place that I allow myself to "just be" and it's okay, because I know I am not alone on this journey and I am loving myself more each day. And with that, I know - ALL IS WELL...

Haiku...

A faint rustling

Dew waits for the raising sun

The morning whispers

Adventure...

Talking with someone this morning got me to thinking about how we define words and events in our lives. We were discussing our interpretation of being an "adventurous" person. I "Googled" the word - Adventure - is defined as an exciting or unusual experience, it may also be bold, usually risky undertaking with an uncertain outcome. So for me that would mean: EVERYDAY!

My everyday I consider- bold and usually risky with an uncertain outcome!

When I drive somewhere that I don't know, for me - THAT is bold and risky ( another story for another day).

Raising my children has/had to be the ultimate bold and risky with uncertain outcome that I can think of.

But then there is:

Meeting someone new, trying a different food, writing on this blog, being true to myself, playing big instead of small, being open to love, starting a project for my house, allowing me to be enough, leaving my hair gray, planting something new in my garden, sharing myself with another, saying okay to something when I have no idea, asking for help, cooking for others.

These things are not your typical "adventure" ideas but for my life they are. I could go on an on because just living life is always bold, risky and guaranteed an uncertain outcome. Sometimes I like that and sometimes I don't. Remembering that I am not alone on this journey is something I have to keep reminding myself and than I know "ALL IS WELL" no matter what the uncertain outcome is.

Letting Go...

Sometimes I find reading other peoples words comforting and food for my soul. The words below are borrowed and I am nurtured by them.

********************************

We have within us a deep longing to grow and become a new creature, but we possess an equally strong compulsion to remain the same-to burrow down in our safe, secure places.

Letting go isn't one step but many. It's a winding, spiraling process that happens on deep levels.

Clinging creates a shrinking within the soul, a shrinking of possibility and growth.

Night empties us of our clinging. We're called to let go even our letting go. We need to quit forcing things and enter the darkness of true liberty, where we give up self-efforts and allow- and draw us to our moment of readiness.

When it comes to letting go, we have to arrive at a moment of genuine readiness.

We are offered the experiences, events and encounters that help us find the courage to open ourselves with gentleness.

It takes courage to become who you are.

The fruit of letting go is birth.

It was the beginning of leaving behind the first half of my life and those ways of living it that no longer worked.

Almost missed...

A tree outside my back door is in full color and it happened when I wasn't looking. I had a busy couple of weeks and didn't really get outside. When I finally did I was welcomed with this magnificent tree. The photo doesn't express the magnitude of it's beauty and because it is so close it really is a show stopper. But it was a good reminder of what happens when I'm not present even in the busy moments of my life. I have lived in my house for twenty years and look forward to the fall color display every year. This year I almost missed it... Whew

No thoughts...

Sometimes I am having no thoughts about anything in particular. At first I thought maybe that wasn't a good thing. I should have something I'm thinking about or wanting to work on. But today I don't have anything. Just enjoying the quiet morning, the leaves changing colors, the wonderful food options I have to choose from, reminders of people in my life that love me, work that is keeping me busy, birds that are chirping, cats that are looking to snuggle, books that I like to read, stores that are close by in case I should want for something, a car that sits in my driveway waiting for me, a computer that is available to keep me connected, and just this present moment to remember that it's okay to "just be".

Haiku...

The wind blowing cold

Leaves rain down as colors splash

Fall invites herself

Good morning...

It seems like in the past several years my getting up in the morning has gotten later and later coinciding with my going to bed later and later. Not sure how the late nights started creeping up on me. I keep telling myself it's okay and to just go with the flow. For many years I had to be up early when the kids were little and now that they are so much older maybe I've relaxed that part of me a little. Trying not to decide whether it is right or wrong just calling it an observation in my life.

Commitment...

I friend once said to me "commitment is something you decided everyday". This is what I want to do for myself... to wake up each morning and set my intention to be committed to myself as I would anyone else. For me that means, unconditional love, acceptance. patience and forgiving. I give them out so freely to others but forget to do the same for myself. Somehow I think I have different requirements and my expectations seem to be under higher standards then everyone else. So I am taking a step back and looking in the mirror with kinder eyes and what I see is someone who is loving, kind, and compassionate. When I commit to seeing "her" in the mirror everyday... Life is good.

My Biggest Fear...

IS... that I will never be loved by a wonderful man.

(I find myself feeling silly and embarrassed to say it, but I need to put it out in the Universe. To release and allow the feeling to be set free.)

It's not a rational thought but it is a very deep rooted fear that I've never expressed to anyone. I'm shining the light on it so it can flourish and be nourished to grow into something beautiful. To let go of the fear that has no place in my life anymore and to start replacing it with what I really know to be true... I am lovable and I am loved. I deserve to be loved by a wonderful man who is generous, honest and kind. That it is safe to be vulnerable and have all the happiness and joy that is available to everyone. This I know for sure...

So I will lay this fear to rest and mourn no more for what I fear will never be. With this release I open myself up to ALLOW and I am grateful.

It's beginning to look a lot like fall...

Some of my favorite things:

Mums

Pumpkins

Crisp fall air

Open Windows

Leaves changing color

Acorns crunching under my shoe

New Harvest of vegetables planted

Experiencing each in the present moment with family and friends - is the BEST!

Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all. ~Stanley Horowitz

Yes...Just for me!

These are some spontaneous flowers that came up in my garden this year. I planted them last year and when they died the seeds scattered themselves and waited in surprise for spring. I have enjoyed them and the hummingbirds have too. I love having fresh flowers to bring in the house. I have been cutting them and placing them on my stove. They bring a smile to my face every time I cook a meal. And no one bought them for to me, for a special occasion, they are "JUST FOR ME", just because!

Enjoy the Ride...

Everyday as I am looking for work that will fit my life I also work on letting go of the results. I am not sure where the next stop on my journey is taking me but I'm trying to love the ride. Sometimes it's hard to let go when the only thing I've ever wanted since I was a young girl was to be a wife and mother. So while the path I'm on "looks" like I'm not getting to that place, I get stuck. Stuck feeling like it will never happen (at least the wife part, I have three wonderful children). But I can't stay in that stuck place because it doesn't change anything, it only holds me back from stepping onto the train of life. I find myself wanting the old people, places and things just because there familiar not because that is what I really want. The challenge in each day is to keep the focus. I know what I want and I know I deserve it but what I don't know is the path to getting there. So I let go and try new paths, new people, new places and sit back and enjoy the scenery.

Time... to listen...

A few weeks ago I was running around accomplishing and crossing off things on my to do list. One thing was to stop at the grocery store and pick up something on special. As I was leaving a man who no doubt had been tossed around by life, asked if I had a cigarette he could buy. Since I don't smoke I told him I didn't and went on my way. As I was driving to the next "to do" I thought, I guess I could have gone back in the store and bought him a pack of cigarettes. So I stopped at another store and bought a pack to drop off to him. As I did I noticed someone else had the kindness of heart of offer him a pack. But what I realized later was he really wanted my time. Time to sit and listen to him. I did listen for about 5 or 10 minutes all the while thinking about my things I had planned on getting done that day. And then I told him I had to go. Today I was reminded of him and how I can use that opportunity to remember to listen more deeply to those around me. I think we all just want to be listened to more deeply and to be heard. He may not have been making much sense, but does it really matter what he was saying. It was about being in that moment and fully present to another human being.

A Present Moment...

On the last day of my awesome beach trip my usual first reaction is to try to hold on to all the moments and never let them go. To feel sad and wish it would never end. But this time I tried to just let each moment be what it was and not try to hold it so tight thinking that somehow I could capture it and have some kind of control over it. I was just as happy when I left as I was when I arrived. I am working on "impermanence" in my life. Letting go was not something I ever did very well. There is a saying "I never let go of anything with out claw marks all over it", and all the while screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. That was me! But now being in a place in my life of utter uncertainty, my choice's are to embrace it or fight it. And I am choosing to embrace the unknown. To let each present moment bring me new and exciting ideas and challenges. I'm so grateful I don't have to go this uncharted road alone. I have the most giving, supportive and loving friends anyone could want. Everyday I appreciate their presence in my life. And thanks to all that follow my blog that I have never met. I hope you gain as much as I do from each person that passes through our lives. Let's embrace the impermanence together!

Live the Questions...

One of the benefits of letting go of our attachments to the past and the future, and the stories that keep us stuck there, is that it " empties us out." It allows us to be fully present and open in the moment.

I am currently reading a book called "The Art of Uncertainty". A book that fits into my life and is letting me cling to it while I let go and find comfort in my uncertainty. I've crossed and burned all the "known" bridge's in my life and am now left with only the unfamiliar. One moment I am excited and elated and the next I think I've lost my mind and become uneasy and fearful. The book is helping me walk through the moments and know "This too shall pass." It reminding me that... We think that impermanence makes us suffer. It is not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not. Finding the peace in "change" is a life long goal. It is something that is guaranteed. Nothing ever stays the same. Each moment brings with it change and when we stay present it's not as frightening.

Just remember:

If your in a bad situation, don't worry-it'll change.

If your in a good situation, don't worry-it'll change!

and

The closest to being in control we will ever be is in that moment, that we realize we're not.

Cleaning Out...

I am almost done cleaning out my garage. It has been a project for quite sometime. It is a symbolic clearing out. A clearing out of the old and welcoming the new. I am opening up space for the good and loving and laying to rest all that doesn't fit anymore. It feels very freeing with a hint of excitement. I don't know what comes next, but I do know that when I'm in the present moment "all is well". There is more to be done inside and out of my home, but it's a process that brings with it peace and hope. I'm enjoying giving what I don't need to those that do. I now want to give conscious thought to the things that I bring into my home and make sure it adds quality to my life.

Garden of Plenty...

Another year, another garden. I love my garden as it takes care of me I take care of it. It provides me with just enough vegetables each day to last me all summer and fall. The garden space isn't big enough to have extra to store but it gives me what I need. It gives me "plenty". And like life there are others - friends gardens that are bigger and more plentiful that give me extra to store away. Sometimes in life we are not meant to provide all that we need and we can rely on others for help. Others bounties are bigger and shared and sometimes mine is bigger then shared. There is plenty for everyone in this life. Sometimes it's vegetables and fruits and other times it is help with a problem, a comforting word or just their presence. When we are present for each other we have all that we need. Thank you to all that have shared...

My Dad...

I've been thinking about the day my dad called me on his death bed. Because of medical complications he was not able to speak and when he called I had not spoken with him in a very long time. I wondered what he would have said after all the lost years if he was able to talk, but then I thought, love doesn't really need words. But for some reason it struck me almost 16 years later how profound that felt. That no matter what circumstances life gave us and even though we never really knew what the other felt except maybe rejection on both sides, at the very end my father wanted me to know before he left this planet earth that I was loved. And I'm sure he felt sorrow for the way things turned out, just as I had and that it was not about me, it was about the struggles he had . But dad really did love me and I'm sure thought about me more then I will ever know. Thank you dad for that phone call, I feel loved...

Time

Time is an unusual commodity. It cannot be saved. You can't stockpile time like wood for the stove or food for the winter. It can't be seen, heard, touched, tasted or smelled.

Time is elusive, it is easy to ignore. That doesn't bother time at all. Time is perfectly content to remain hidden until you are out of it.

Time is a nonrenewable resource. If your out of wood you can chop some more, out of money you can earn a little extra, out of love, there is still hope, out of health, it can often be restored. But when your out of time, that's it. When this minute is gone, it's gone.

Time is always ticking whether we are aware of it or not. Being fully present for the moments in my life holds me responsible for what I want to do with them. I have to admit I let A lot of them slip by and many are wasted. Sometimes I take them for granted and think "oh, I'll have more tomorrow" or the times when I wanted to tell someone how I feel or what they mean to me I choose not to and then the opportunity is lost. Sometimes I feel like I let myself and others down, that I've wasted most of my fifty years on planet earth. But what have I really wasted if I've loved, learned, laughed, shared, and lived life. Maybe time isn't about watching each moment tick away but maybe more about just being... and being fully present. Knowing your doing the best that you can and when you know better you'll do better.

Freedom...

If you have felt trapped and imprisoned for a long time, freedom can feel unfamiliar and frightening.

Freedom comes in many forms. Having been out of a long relationship for a few years now I still found myself stuck. My thinking had been imprisoned and locked in a certain way of thinking. I didn't even realize the depth of my freedom. I kept hanging on to the familiar even if it wasn't making me happy and even though I knew it wasn't what I wanted. Then just the other day I had a "light bulb" moment. The thought kind of stuck me unexpected like a bolt of lightening - I am FREE. Yes, I am truly free. It still comes and goes in my mind as I try to wrap my head around the idea. To understand I can now step out of the prison I had placed myself in and the whole time forgetting there never was a key. I was free to walk out anytime. So on this July 4 holiday I am celebrating my freedom from my own imprisoned thinking.

Freedom waits on welcome, not on time. Freedom awaits your decision.

FEEL FREE!!!

resist yourself no more... walk free.

A place of YES...

I saw an interview the other day with a lady who wrote a book titled "A Place of Yes" and I thought - that's where I want to be. I want to wake everyday in a place of yes. Yes to all of life abundance. When the universe comes asking... are you ready? I want to be... in a place of YES. No hesitation, no pause, just instantly answer YES, yes I accept. Yes I am willing to have it, yes let it flow through me, let me offer no resistance. YES means there's a shift, a shift that I must be present to be aware of it or it will past me by.

YES I am ready!

Observer...

I'm trying to be more of an observer in my life instead of placing judgement on what I see. When walking through my day I see something or someone I am trying to be more aware of just thinking - is this something I want or not? It doesn't make it right or wrong or the person's choice right or wrong, it is just an observation for the choices I want to make in my life. I hope as I remind myself to be more present and just observe it will become more of an habit. It opens up more allowing - allowing good to flow when energy is not needed to pass judgement or stress over what others are doing or not doing. It can be fun to let life be less complicated and just "observe".

I learn something from every teacher in my life, even if it's learning how not to live. - Louise L. Hay

A few Haiku's

A seed is planted

Forest of diversity

Mother Natures pleased

Car and Nature collide

Leaving a lifeless body

May you rest in peace

Trees dressed in blossoms

Spring dancing all around us

Summers on her way

They serenades me

The owl, the woodpecker, the hawk

All while hanging laundry

It's been a while...

I've spent the last couple of months trying to find a new balance in my life. Can't say I've accomplished that and I've missed writing on my blog, so instead of waiting for the perfect moment to come along I'm going with the way life is in this present moment. Going back to school has been a challenge trying to fit it into my life with all the wants and needs of the family. I'm working on the concept of "Good Enough". I can't be everything to everyone, I can't get everything done as a single parent and what I am and what I do is "good enough". Even in my school work there comes a time when what I'm working on is got to be "good enough. The tests I take, the grade's I get are "good enough". At the end of the day none of these things define me and the bottom line is about LOVE. Did I love myself, did I love others, did I refrain from judging myself and others? Was there joy in my day? I am.... "Good Enough" just because I am.

Charlie's Angels...

This January I started taking classes at my community college. I took classes at this same facility twenty plus years ago and things have changed a bit since then. You can now take on line classes and never step foot in a class room. And all communication with those classes is through email and forum's. I realized the other day that talking with "virtual people" (no picture) made me feel a little like the "Charlie's Angels" (it is a show from the 80's). This person gives you an assignment and then you take it, accomplish it, all the while talking back and forth but never seeing them. Eventually I will finish the class and not know who or what this person looks or sounds like. It will take some getting use to. I don't go through a fast food drive through sometimes because I like actually seeing and talking with someone, so I go in instead. But I have to say it is nice to go to school in my PJ's.

To live by...

No matter how long we have traveled on the wrong road, we can always turn around.

This saying was on the "Positively Positive" Facebook page and it's nice because it always gives me something positive to focus on everyday. I liked what it says - "that we can always turn around", and even if that is only in our thoughts It reminds me I always have a choice.

Secret...

As the sunshines starts the melting of snow and ice I have secretly enjoyed the forced captivity. I am such a home body. I could stay home for weeks and it wouldn't bother me. It was nice to know it wasn't a decision I was making to not go anywhere or do anything - I couldn't. The world as I knew it STOPPED. It was so quiet, no cars and business of the day, just blanketed in pure white snow and then ice. I relished in the thought of not having to make excuses to myself or others why I couldn't or didn't go anywhere. It was decided for me! That is my little secret I'll let you in on this new year - looks like I will be headed out today into the world once again.

Wishes...

I just finished reading a young adult book called "The Wish Stealer" by Tracy Trivas. Below find a short review someone wrote about the book:

Do you believe in wishes?

Griffin Penshine does. She loves to wish on stars, and pennies, and anything else she can think of. She wishes for a baby sister and for her school to smell like chocolate chip cookies. Her life changes one day, when an old lady offers her a gift of twelve shiny pennies. Hoping the gift will bring her luck as she starts the school year at a new school, Griffin accepts the gift. As the day wears on, however, Griffin realizes with horror that each penny represents a stolen wish. She discovers that the old woman was a Wish Stealer. What’s worse, is that by accepting the old woman’s gift, Griffin herself, has turned into a Wish Stealer. Now Griffin’s good wishes will never come true, and the opposite of her good wishes seem to happen. To break the Wish Stealer’s curse, Griffin needs to return all twelve stolen wishes. She must return all twelve pennies to the people who wished on them, or the curse affects not only her, but her family as well.

This book left me wondering - Am I a Wish Stealer? Do I steal other peoples wishes when they tell me what that is? Do I steal my own by thinking I could never do that, or be sensible your to old, that's not practical. I have experience others stealing my wishes. I have a wish of being a writer and when I mentioned to many people, even someone that was a writing teacher of mine that I might go back to school for writing most everyone's response was "oh no don't do that" do something you can make a living at. I realize I too have sqashed others wishes because of my own fears that I projected on to them. Fears that were mine but let cloud my allowing of another to wish freely. Fears that I allow to hinder my own wishes. I will take all this as food for thought and next time I want to wish or another shares their wish with me, I can better respond with an open mind and heart and let that wish go free.

The "stuff"...

I have been waiting to get back in my garage and start the process of clearing out again. All the projects I had going on are finished and I can once again work on getting rid of and organizing. What a great way to start the new year. It feels so good! I am a person who doesn't like a lot of "stuff" around. But the funny part is I have been surrounded with family members who love to collect "Stuff" or should I say "their stuff collects". Now this is not to say I don't have my own piles around my house. But mine is mostly from laziness and not wanting to take the time to figure out where to put something. I do have to admit that I have a enormous pile of fabric that has collected over the years and I have done very little with it. Part of me is afraid that if I use it I won't be able to get more and another part is overwhelmed with where to even start. That is one of my goals this year is to make something with all the material until it is gone. I have always believed that clearing out allows more room for abundance to flow freely. And my challenge is to allow those around me to find what works for them and their "stuff". My middle son finally decided to go through his "stuff" and said he was amazed at how much can accumulates that he didn't even care about anymore.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Any moment...

When we dissolve the need for any "if only's" - we set ourselves free to take the only step that needs to be taken in any moment... that is the next step. Like that journey of one thousand miles beginning with only one step... the journey of any journey - in any moment - requires only the next step. -

Guru Singh